Empowering vs. Enabling

http://store.positivediscipline.com/EMPOWERING-VS-ENABLING_b_31.html

Posted by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen on 12/5/2011 on Positive Discipline

Modern Parenting May Hinder Brain Development

Jan. 7, 2013 —

 Social practices and cultural beliefs of modern life are preventing healthy brain and emotional development in children, according to an interdisciplinary body of research presented recently at a symposium at the University of Notre Dame.

 
 Mother breastfeeding her baby. (Credit: © oksun70 / Fotolia)

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development.

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it," Narvaez says.

This new research links certain early, nurturing parenting practices -- the kind common in foraging hunter-gatherer societies -- to specific, healthy emotional outcomes in adulthood, and has many experts rethinking some of our modern, cultural child-rearing "norms."

"Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez.

Studies show that responding to a baby's needs (not letting a baby "cry it out") has been shown to influence the development of conscience; positive touch affects stress reactivity, impulse control and empathy; free play in nature influences social capacities and aggression; and a set of supportive caregivers (beyond the mother alone) predicts IQ and ego resilience as well as empathy.

The United States has been on a downward trajectory on all of these care characteristics, according to Narvaez. Instead of being held, infants spend much more time in carriers, car seats and strollers than they did in the past. Only about 15 percent of mothers are breast-feeding at all by 12 months, extended families are broken up and free play allowed by parents has decreased dramatically since 1970.

Whether the corollary to these modern practices or the result of other forces, an epidemic of anxiety and depression among all age groups, including young children; rising rates of aggressive behavior and delinquency in young children; and decreasing empathy, the backbone of compassionate, moral behavior, among college students, are shown in research.

According to Narvaez, however, other relatives and teachers also can have a beneficial impact when a child feels safe in their presence. Also, early deficits can be made up later, she says.

"The right brain, which governs much of our self-regulation, creativity and empathy, can grow throughout life. The right brain grows though full-body experience like rough-and-tumble play, dancing or freelance artistic creation. So at any point, a parent can take up a creative activity with a child and they can grow together."

Further information: http://ccf.nd.edu/symposium/2012-symposium-presentations/

25 Ways to Stay a Calm Parent

http://awesomelyawake.com/how-to-be-a-calm-parent/

AWESOMELY AWAKE

 

* Inspiring families to find their happy place *

How to be a calm parent

September 12, 2012 By Shawn 59 Comments

 

 

 

 



I’ve always been a dreamer. Oh yes .. I was going to change the world. I was going to raise the best children ever to walk the earth. I was never going to make the same mistakes OTHER parents made. No way.

Then I had children.

My first lesson in patience happened immediately while sitting alone with two crying infants for months at a time. I often felt pretty helpless. I mean, you can’t just leave two crying infants and go for a run.

People always ask me how I managed twin infants and I always respond the same way … “With a lot of tears.”

Staying calm as a parent may come easier for some more than others. It hasn’t always been easy for me.

Yeah, where’s the handbook?

I call it Parenting from the Heart.

I’ve learned so many lessons on this topic in the last six years. I hope to pass a few on to other parents who might be struggling with keeping their cool.

In fact, it is my great wish that parents would read this blog and change the way they are parenting so that they, too, can be the change they wish to see in the world.

Original Photo by Tanya_Little via Flickr

 

 

 



This week, I asked on my Facebook page how you stay calm as a parent and boy did you deliver! Read all of the responses on Facebook. And, please add your own ideas to the comments below as well. Here are just 25 Ways to Stay Calm as a Parent — some are mine, some are yours!

1. Own your Nos. There are times when I say no without even thinking and then one no leads to another no and soon we’re in a vicious cycle. I’ve learned that by really thinking before I respond I feel authentic power when I do say no — or yes. Try hard to not rush to saying no to your child just because of inconvenience.
2. Be open to Yes. There’s a ton of power in the word YES. Y-E-S. Conscious Yeses are beautiful. Conscious Yeses transform families. Conscious Yeses are cause for celebration.
3. Read. Read everything you can that makes you feel good and that reminds you to remain calm. For me, it started with Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller but it’s hardly ended there. I have a whole nightstand filled with books that I pull out when I need a pick-me-up or as a reminder to remain calm and relaxed as a parent. Some are parenting books. Some are inspirational books. Others are just beautiful and get me thinking creatively, which is the best way to parent, in my experience.
4. Solitude. I suspect that many of us who struggle with staying calm in the chaos also struggle with noise. Some people — extroverts — are happy with a ton of noise. I am not. Silence is often the medicine we need to replenish and rejuvenate ourselves and yet it may be the hardest to make happen. There are many other ways to stay at peace.
5. Take a deep breath. Never ever punish when angry. Just don’t. Heed this advice and you’ll always be a calm parent. Separate the kids and then walk away. Step outside. Or, go to your room and close the door and lay on your bed until you are calm. Run down to the basement. Put on some music in your ear buds. Something. Anything. Just breathe and calm down before you even attempt to react.
6. Get up early. Having time to yourself is absolutely essential. Period.
7. Go to bed early. Being fully rested is key. You can’t be a good parent if you are too tired to think, too tired to come up with creative responses and solutions or too tired to ignore the small things.
8. Get a hobby. I write therefore I am. For others, it’s cooking or sewing or quilting or crocheting. Even more are finding a love in photography, baking, blogging, or gardening. We all have that one thing that just fills us up, that gives us a different purpose in life. Devote yourself to yours.
9. Energize yourself. This is my all-time favorite thing to do in my day. Choose the things that you love and that make you happy and do them every day. In my e-course, I’ll share my own list.
10. Ignore the small stuff. What’s that book say, it’s all small stuff? I don’t know about that. But I do know that some parents — myself included — can get wrapped up in micromanaging their children and their every move. Delegate some of that worry and stress to the Universe. this includes NOT arguing back with a child.
11. Think of the Big Picture. A few mentioned this on the Facebook page as important and I agree. Will this tiny infraction of behavior like drinking the bathtub water and spitting it out matter in the long run? No. Will it delay bedtime, yes. So what. Move on. Nothing to see here.
12. Clean. When your children are frustrating the bejeezus out of you, clean. Do those things that you need to do and work off the frustrations by cleaning. This is the only time that I stress the importance of cleaning. It gives you something productive to do instead of micromanaging the children. While your at it, think of the chores they will have to do as a result of their bad behavior. Some call it an uh-oh chore. I just call it a chore to help fill my bucket back up.
13. Speak your mantra. Each of us has phrases that give us comfort, sayings that we can say over and over again in our heads until the difficult moment passes. Some of you suggested mantras like “I am the adult” or “Mommy is the greatest!” I have a whole list of mantras that I use.
14. Exercise. Walk. Do yoga. Run. Whatever you can do to feel good on the inside will make parenting from the heart a lot better.
15. Slow down. Don’t plan a ton of things because the minute you want to get a long list of things done is the very minute that you will find things blow up. Stress is what causes us to lose our cool so the less we have to stress about, the less crazy we’ll become.
16. Get silly. I’ve said this before but doing something entirely out of the ordinary is a great way to turn things around quickly. Tell jokes. Just act nutty. You’ll laugh. SING. DANCE. Laugh. Deal with the consequences later, when everyone’s thinking more clearly.
17. Talk it out. Establish a talk-it-out rule. In this house, we talk out our problems with soft words, not our hands and not by yelling. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
18. Role model. If you want your children to grow up calm, cool and collected than keep that in your head at all times. What you say to your children becomes what they hear in their heads. That’s powerful stuff to consider.
19. Eat. There have been many times when I’ve been starving and not taking care of myself. Stop and make sure you’re not feeling the result of low blood sugar.
20. Set your rules. This is a really big deal and something I didn’t really do early on. The sooner your establish your household rules the better off you will be as a parent. Our rules are on our refrigerator so that when a rule is broken we can immediately point to it and say look here, you’ve broken Rule No. 2, keep your hands and feet to yourself. When you are confident about the rules in your house, you are confident in enforcing those rules.
21. Don’t set too many rules. Seriously. Children are still learning and experimenting. We can’t expect them to never make mistakes. To stay calm, stick to no more than five rules at a time and make those the important ones. Let little infractions go by with teachable moments rather than discipline.
22. Change your routine. If you find yourself in a stressed out rut, perhaps it’s time to change things around and do something exciting and different. A change in fresh air or environment is enough to keep me feeling calm and peaceful a lot longer than going through the motions of the same-old, same-old.
23. Be Grateful. Many of you mentioned that reminding yourself of how special it is to have a child is the best way to calm yourself down. Savoring the little moments. Being grateful for the time we have with our children. These are all big, heart-filled reminders of what it really means to be a parent, even when times are challenging.
24. Replenish your spirit. For some this means prayer or meditation. For others it might be sinking into a hot bath at night. Taking care of your spirit is as important as taking care of your body. Whatever you use to de-stress and center yourself, do it often.
25. When all else fails, hug it out. I love this one that came up on the Facebook page. Too often what our children need — and what we need in return — is that close connection and touch of the ones we love. My very spirited daughter responds positively to touch and so we snuggle often. So, instead of yelling or hurting, hug it out. If only we could pass this tip along to the rest of the world, right?

There are certainly many other ways to stay calm, cool and collected as a parent and I expect anyone who reads this post to add their own positive ideas that are meant to help inspire parents. These are ideas I wish I had on that second and third month home with twin infants, and again when those infants moved into their terrible twos. But, no matter where you are on your parenting journey, I suspect this list will at least be worth keeping, for one of those days. You can now download and print this list for yourself to keep close at hand.

• If you like this post, please be sure to sign up for my weekly newsletter Wake Up, which sends a new and unique intention every Monday to your inbox. Emails are promised to be short but inspiring for you to keep living a mindful, relaxed family life.

• Family life is the ultimate to the Awesomely Awake community. If you need new ideas to do as a family, get your copy of my book The Playful Family, which encourages families to connect and engage through play.

• Finally, I’m teaching my first e-course this October for families. The course is a creative writing course that encourages creative freedom and expression. You will walk away from the class more fearless than ever all while enjoying time as a family — or for just yourself! And, this course is PAY WHAT YOU WANT. Sign up now.

written by: Shawn Ledington Fink.

 Shawn is the author of The Playful Family

You can reach Shawn anytime by e-mail at theshawnfink at gmail dot com.

 

Shawn is also on Twitter | Pinterest | Facebook |Instagram





10 Quick Ways to Spoil Your Holidays

Only two weeks till Christmas! Better get right down to it…

written by: Beth Berry, Revolution from Home Blog
posted December 12, 2012

 

1. Make it about the stuff. Countercultural, yes and maybe even counterintuitive depending upon your habits the rest of the year, deemphasizing things over the holidays — no matter how sparkly, discounted or even locally made — can be a powerful way to enhance your holiday season. By giving less in the way of presents, and more in the way of presence you are not only filling a void that not a single thing can touch, but you are making a statement — against the notion of good will as an excuse to consume needlessly, against the clutter and chaos that has come to characterize Christmas and against the illusion that joy has anything at all to do with things in the first place. Make it a slow wean if you must, but the more you shape your holidays around tradition, togetherness and truth, the less likely you are to be lined up for after-Christmas sales, still unsatisfied.

2.  Expect your kids to “get it.” Your baby is not spoiled or antisocial because she screams when you pass her off to perfect strangers (no matter how kid-loving your uncle Lou). Your five-year-old is not unreasonable for refusing to get back in the carseat during your day-long search for the perfect party pumps and your eight-year-old is not rude for hanging on to you half asleep while you schmooze (and booze) for hours beyond his bedtime. No matter how child-centric your holidays, kids are easily maxed this time of year and require just as much sleep and downtime as ever (if not more). Factoring in a preventive pep talk before holiday dinners, scheduling plenty of slow days to counteract the crazy ones and making sure they’ve been fed real food before surrounding them with 300 variations on high fructose fabulousness will help prevent your own toddler-esque meltdown.

3.  Expect everyone else to “get it.” Your parenting style is almost certainly not the same as your advice-touting aunt Pearl’s and that’s okay. Likewise, your well-meaning brother-in-law may truly not have known that your kid is allergic to all tubers aside from those grown in the shade of birch leaves. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and kindly hold your family’s way as worthy without assuming everyone else is on board. Think through possible situations ahead of time, plan a comfortable course of action and remember, many of them already raised their kids. Yours are not their primary concern.

4.   Over-schedule yourself. More fun is more fun, right? Not always. Committing to not two but five holiday gift exchanges does not necessarily make you more festive or generous, but it will probably ensure that you’re more stressed than decompressed come January. Ditto for your kids, and stressed kids have built-in punishment mechanisms.

5.  Pretend you have money. I realize there’s always the temptation to buy into all the merriment (quite literally) and forgo budgets and common sense in the name of the savior (uh?) but do consider the other eleven months of the year and mind your money. Considering that (according to Consumer Reports) people actually “hate” one in five gifts they’re given anyway, you might resist that bird bingo and give your poor dad a foot rub.

6.  Expect your family to be something it isn’t. If they never have been respectful of your choices, expecting affirmation this year is a recipe for resentment. If uncle Larry always gets shit-faced on Christmas Eve, don’t think that he won’t this season just because you’re bringing home your (unsuspecting) could-be bride. On the same note, if you know there will be 56 kids running through grandma’s house, you’re better off getting a hotel room than expecting peace and quiet while your toddler naps. As for Aunt Mae’s perfume? You’re on your own with that one.

7.  Feed family drama. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, think or do, but feeding their fanatical fires or trying to convert them to your side of party lines is generally not the most palatable recipe for holiday cheer (nor silent nights for that matter).

8.  Pretend you’re back in college. Overindulgence is par for the course most holidays, but rarely worth the moment of pleasure for the guilt, pounds, hangover or uncertainty of events following its feeding. Slow down and savor your favorite foods. Indulge, but in small portions, followed by a wintery walk. Most of all, take notice — of the scents and the sounds and the simmer of the season. Take time to think about where your food comes from and offer your gratitude. Get drunk on the human connection, the stillness of time and the wholeness of the moment and you might actually be okay with a little less eggnog.

9.  Try to be Martha. Martha Stewart is a millionaire with a chauffeur, a staff of leaping lord-knows how many and someone to clean up behind her as she pretends to have it all together. Don’t play that game. Keep it simple, keep it fun and keep it real.

10.  Compare Yule Logs. This time of the year, The Joneses are on steroids. Forget their bling and blow-up baby Jesus. There is not one more iota of happiness (or salvation) born of having fancy things than having your head on straight (and the size of your yule log left to the imagination).

Seven Toxic Modern-Day Parenting Styles

Seven Deadly Parenting Styles

Posted: June 13th, 2012 by Michele Borba


21st century child-rearing approaches proving toxic to effective parenting and our kids' emotional well-being

From June Clever to Desperate Housewives

Ah the joys of raising our next generation! Frankly, I can't imagine any other job that is more challenging and rewarding; frustrating and joyous than parenting. It's perhaps the most significant role we'll ever have (we're talking about raising a human being for Pete's sake) and also the only one that doesn't require a single credential. And it's the only job that by the time you're done you finally have sort of figured out how to do it right. From those everyday challenges like getting your kids to brush their teeth, say "please" or make their beds, to those more worrisome issues such as drinking, sexual promiscuity or eating disorders, raising kids has never been easy. But in the last few years, child rearing has become even more challenging.

Over the last few decades there has been a major swift in how we raise our kids, and the descriptions of modern day parenting are far from flattering. Try these for starters: Helicoptering.Hothousing. Snowplowing. Hyper-Parenting.

In all fairness, part of our more super octane-charged mode is due to today's culture. June Cleaver and Claire Huxtable certainly didn't deal with hair-raising kid concerns such as cyberbullying, school shootings, and online predators, nor serious issues such as eating disorders, depression, and anxiety that face school age youngsters today.

Sure, we love our kids, want only the best for them, and will do anything in the world for them, but the truth is our new parenting approaches aren't doing them any favors. In fact, many of those styles contradict over fifty years of solid research proving what kids really do need for solid character, emotional health, and fulfillment. Several modern day child-rearing approaches are so toxic to effective parenting that I call them the "Seven Deadly Parenting Styles".  I am convinced using them is a bit part of why we're so darn dissatisfied, stressed out and lack confidence in our parenting and why too many of our kids are stressed and emotionally unhealthy.

Here are those seven deadly styles from my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (where they are described much more in depth with facts, figures, and solutions).

Seven Toxic Modern-Day Parenting Styles

Be honest: might any be describing your parenting? All of us are guilty of some of these styles and to some degree. The key question is to ask yourself if the style is the typical approach to how you raise your children. If so, are you notice that that style could be affecting your child's emotional, social, cognitive, physical or moral development? If so, it may be time for a change. By the way, if you're not seeing these in yourself, are you recognizing them in other Moms and Dads?

Deadly Style 1: Helicopter Parenting

Hovering over your kids, hurrying to smooth every one of life's bumps

It's a bird's, it's a plane; it's a helicopter parent! These parents constantly hover, and stop at next to nothing when it concerns their kids. They finish their homework, do and redo those science projects, and swoop into rescue mode, solving each and every kid problem. But beware: if kids have always been rescued or micromanaged, they may have had too little practice in developing such critical life traits such as self-reliance, decision-making and problem solving.

The change to parent for is learning to be involved but not intrusive in your child's life, so that she develops a healthy sense of independence and can cope someday without you. Start by identifying tasks your kid can do-like making her lunch or doing laundry-without relying always on you. Then teach just one new skill at a time, and once mastered back off. Explain your new policy: "No more excuses or rescue." And stick to your new motto: "Never do for your child what your child can do for herself."



Deadly Style 2: Incubator "Hothouse" Parenting

Pushing your kids into learning earlier than appropriate for their cognitive age and developmental level


There's nothing new about parents wanting their children to excel, but these days their quest is all about raising the SuperKid (aka "mentally-superior child"). Forget what developmental guidelines, based on years of scientific observations, recommend as suitable to your child's age and stage. These parents push, push, push, all so our kids will (they hope) achieve, achieve, achieve, and then are crazy worrying that they're kids aren't going to be good enough. There's no time for kid play: it's all about tutoring, doing extra "mind-building" activities, schedules, and studying. But we're seeing an impact from this parenting style that isn't pretty. Childhood stress, anxiety, perfectionism, depression, as well as cheating have never been higher.




The change to parent for is learning to appreciate your child's natural talents and abilities, and fit your parenting to his child's developmental stage and not for what you want him to be.

Use the Rubber Band Test as your check and balance. Pretend you're holding a strong rubber band with both hands, then ask yourself if your expectation stretches your child's potential without unintentionally snapping self-worth.

For instance: you expect you son to be a great shortstop when he's more into playing chess. Or you keep your daughter in that accelerated math class though she can barely keep up. Stretch gently; don't snap! Check those child development guides!

Deadly Style 3: (Quick-Fix) Band-Aid Parenting

Relying on fast solutions to temporarily fix a problem, instead aiming for real, lasting change

We're tired. We're harried. We need everything to be easy and quick, including our discipline approach. We'll do anything to get our kids to act "right”as long as it'll work right now. So we use those fast 1-2-3 methods "That's warning one; warning two; warning three" to head off a tantrum, buy those fancy behavior charts, promise our kid the coolest new tech game if he's good or money for every high grade.

The problem is quick-fix strategies only teach kids to act right based on warnings, rewards, or money. Oh, they can give relief, but it's only temporary and almost never creates real, lasting change. And that's why many of our kids keep relapsing back to using those same bad behaviors, and we end up more exhausted and discouraged.

The change to parent for is knowing that you need to learn effective discipline that helps your child understand what was wrong and how to make things right. Always take an extra minute to ask your child: "Tell me what you did that was wrong."  "Why was that wrong?"  "What will you do differently next time?" And always make no assumptions: take time with a younger child to role-play the 'right way'. Remember your goal is to help your child learn to act right without you.

Deadly Style 4: Buddy Parenting

Placing popularity with your child above establishing limits, boundaries or saying no

Nearly half of parents today admit that deep down they want to be their "child's best friend", and there sure is no bigger friendship ender like saying no. We can't stand the idea of making an unpopular decision, turning our kids down, or (heaven forbid) disciplining our kids if doing so might cause them to resent us in any way. Right now they need a parent who sets rules and boundaries and doesn't blur the line between buddy and adult. Besides the truth is our inability to turn our kids down isn't helping our kids grow to be secure, responsible, resilient and compassionate. Instead, it is creating what most adults believe is the most spoiled and ill-behaved generation ever.

The change to parent for is learning to set clear boundaries, firm limits, and realize that what your child needs most is a parent and not a friend. Start by thinking through what you stand for and won't tolerate in your child. Then let your kid know what those rules are and post them as your House Rules. If you pick your battles and put them in writing, you're more likely to stick to what you think matters most and your child is more likely to adopt them for his code of conduct. And you've reestablished control.

Deadly Style 5: Accessory Parenting

Measuring your worth and success as a parent based on your child's accolades





Forget healthy and well adjusted-over the past two decades what has taken precedence is spawning the "perfect" child whom we can proudly show off. And thus dawned the era of the "Trophy Kid Syndrome".  Every little accomplishment, test score, or hockey goal suddenly became bragging rights, and oh, how parents using this style love sharing those accolades. Showing them off is a living representation of a parent's own worth, but if the child fails or receives a less than perfect score, it can only mean that the parent somehow flunked.

That's because "Accessory parenting" is really about making our child an extension of our own wants, needs, and dreams. It fuels excessive competitiveness among parents and creates enormous guilt and stress if we feel our kids aren't measuring up, leaving our kids feeling as though they've let us down.

If the style continues, the child's identity is threatened, and unhealthy codependency emerges, with both parent and kid depending on each other for their sense of self-worth.

The change to parent for

is learning to see your child as a unique individual separate from yourself. Switching your pronouns from "I" to "you" when you praise is a simple first step. It takes the emphasis off of your approval and boosts your child's self-worth. Instead of: "I am so proud." Say: "You must be proud of how hard you worked." Also, encourage your child to acknowledge his own appropriate actions so he doesn't rely on your accolades: "You stuck to that math problem. Did you remember to tell yourself that you did a great job persisting?"



Deadly Style 6: Paranoid Parenting

Obsessively keeping your child safe from any physical or psychological harm


Keeping kids safe is always a top parent priority, but these days there is a heightened fear of letting our kids out of our sight for even a nanosecond. Sure, it's scary out there: kidnappers, terrorism, school shootings, cyberbullying, online pedophiles, tainted food and lead-painted toys. So we rein our kids in a little tighter, watch closer, protect far more, and sometimes to the extreme: "Don't do that! You could get hurt!"  "Don't talk to strangers!" "Don't go too far!"

But constantly fretting about dangers that just "might" happen only breeds fear into kids. In fact, the more we tighten our safety net, the more obsessed we become, and the more anxious and less confident our kids turn out. Is it any wonder that today's kids are more anxious than any other generation?

The change to parent for in this style is learning to relax a bit more, realize when you're being too protective so you child learns to face life, and handle your own worries so you don't pass your fears to your child. Start by teaching your child a positive phrase she can say to herself to handle her concerns such as: "Go away worry. You can't get me!" Or  "I can handle this!"  Practice one phrase until your child can use it alone. And if you practice together, you"ll learn the phrase as well, and will be more likely to keep your concerns to yourself.

Deadly Style 7: Secondary Parenting

Relinquishing your influence such that your children's world is controlled more by outsiders-including corporations, marketers and the media

In case you haven't noticed, today's kids are media driven. Computers. WII. Youtube. Video games. TV. Facebook. Ipods. DVDs. Cell phones. Today's average eight to 17-year old is plugged into some device seven and a half hours a day! In fact, many kids spend more time involved with media than with anything else but sleeping. And all that "plugged-in" time means less face-to-face time with us. Once we take a "secondary" role in our child's eyes, we begin to loose our power, and the prevailing culture becomes our substitute. Your child also becomes vulnerable to outside pressures; he is more likely to rely on someone other than you to guide him, and more likely to adopt others' values.

The change to parent for is realizing that you are the most powerful influence in guiding your child's values, attitudes and behavior as well as in protecting him against risky behaviors; and intentionally find ways to stay more involved in your child's life. Over the next week chart how much time your family really is plugged in watching TV, texting, playing video games, and surfing the net. Decide the right amount of plugged in time, and then create "sacred family unplugged times" such as family meals or certain times during the day. Announce, post, and preserve those times.

Tips to Make Parenting Change Possible

So you recognize you need to change. Now what? Well, after working with hundreds of parents, I'm convinced there are a few tips that will enhance your efforts to achieve long-term behavior change and boost your confidence.





~ Focus on one challenge at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself or your child by trying to change too many behaviors at once. Putting your energy on one thing helps you succeed. Just take small steps.

~ Keep a journal of your progressRereading your notations may help you see behavior patterns (and progress!) that you otherwise might have missed.

~ Track the targeted behavior on a calendarIf your plan is effective, you'll gradually see a decline in the frequency of the old style and you'll know you're succeeding. It also reminds you to stick to the plan for 21 days (how long new behavior takes).




~ Form a support group with another parent or two.Commit to meeting regularly. You'll realize that other parents' kids have similar behavior problems as yours "which is always a bit comforting" as well as have the chance to hear their suggestions of what works or doesn't work in ridding bad behaviors.

One of the most critical roles in our lives is to help our children become happy, self-reliance, and compassionate human beings. There is no reward more fulfilling than knowing you have made an enduring difference in your child's life. In fact, it's our ultimate reward!

All you really need to succeed is patience, common sense, a few proven parenting strategies, and above all, your instinct. After all, no one, absolutely no one, knows your child better than you.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books.

You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba's Reality Checkfor ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news about child development.

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

You can also find dozens more research-based and practical tips in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. This blog was adapted from the introduction to The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Please honor the copyright. Thank you.

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Resources for this article:

Glen Egelman, M.D. in Stephen C. Caufield, “Ninth Leadership Forum: Student Health 2010: What Changes Will the Next Five Years Bring?” Student Health Spectrum, Feb. 2006, pp. 4-18.

Hara Estroff Marano, A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting, New York: Broadway Books, 2008; Alisa Quart, Hothouse Kids: How the Pressure to Succeed Threatens Childhood, New York: Penguin, 2006.

Based on survey carried out by Synocate in 2004, cited by C. Honore, Under Pressure: How the Epidemic of hyper-Parenting Is Endangering Childhood, Canada: Alfred A. Knopf, 2008, p. 33.

Term from Gay Edelman, Senior Editor of Family Circle shared in a personal conversation with the author.

Diane E. Levin and Jean Kilborune, So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do To Protect Their Kids, NY: Ballantine Books, 2008, p. 66.

Rideout and E. Hamel, The Media Family: Electronic Media in the Lives on Infants, Toddlers, Preschools and Their Parents Menlo Park, CA: Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, May 2010.

Toddler Discipline: Good for All Ages!

7 Parenting Secrets That Change Lives

Posted by Janet Lansbury on Mar 21st, 2012

 Distracting and redirecting did not fool him. Time outs and rewards did not motivate him.”

This is the story of a bright, spirited toddler with exceptionally loving parents who felt their family “spiraling out of control.” But all they really needed were some simple tools to help them understand how to communicate with their son as a whole person and set limits with respect.

Here are the practices that turned everything around for this family:

1. Respectful, honest, first person communication

2. Acknowledging desires and feelings

3. Keeping directions simple and concise

4. A confident, matter-of-fact, unquestioning tone

5. Gently following through. For example, catching the child’s hands (or feet) when he lashes out while saying, “I won’t let you hit.” (If we don’t follow through, children stop taking our directions seriously.)

6. Limiting screens and over-stimulating toys

7. Belief in their child’s ability to actively participate in creating solutions

Dear Janet,

I came across your blog ten days ago and it has clearly and truly changed my life. A friend linked to your post, “What Your Toddler Thinks of Discipline” on Facebook. It hit me like a brick wall. I spent the next two days reading as much as I could whenever I could. I think I made it all the way back to posts in 2010.

My son, Nicky is 2.75 years old. All of his life, he’s been a late bloomer. He does everything normally, but it tends to happen 30% later than other children. We took him to doctors and specialists, everything is healthy, he’s just operating on his own time table.

He’s always had a very strong and fiery temperament, a gift and curse inherited from me. Since his speech hasn’t developed on time, he started developing ways to let out the frustration of being constantly misunderstood or even, I’m sorry to say, ignored. It was a vicious cycle. The more his frustrations were unacknowledged, the worse his behavior would get. The worse his behavior became, the more punitive I became and the more permissive his father became. Two weeks ago, my husband and I were crying at our kitchen table, unhappy with who we’d become and the way it felt like our family was spiraling out of control.

I had looked for help before but nothing seemed to fit. Distracting and redirecting did not fool him. Time outs and rewards did not motivate him. Most of the advice I found for kids his age assumed a language skill he does not yet have. All of the advice I found for handling language delays was written for special needs children. Finding your blog and RIE was such a relief. Finally a way to communicate with the whole person inside my pre-verbal child.

When I read your blog, the first thing that I realized was how confusing the language I used with him could be. I framed everything as a question. I talked in third person. I would say things like, “There’s no hitting, okay?” or “Mama said jumping on the couch time is over.” I was genuinely surprised when my son cooperated if I simply told him, “I’m not going to let you do that,” or, “I’m taking this away now.”

I saw the results from just this one change and I was sold. I began to acknowledge his desires. To speak in first person. I began to give names to the negative emotions he was feeling. I started to catch his hands or feet when he tried to hit, punch, throw and shove, telling him gently, “I’m not going to let you do that.” I began to sit closely and mostly silently when he would scream at the top of his lungs and just be present and available with his anger. I went through the house and removed two dozen batteries from the toys he has been gifted recently. He has never watched TV, but I stopped handing him the Ipad to play with.

It’s only been ten days and yet it already feels like a lifetime ago that my husband and I were crying at the kitchen table. Our son is less angry and more cooperative. He is happier and more engaged with the world around him. He’s even speaking more, telling me now, “Understand,” when he comprehends things and, “Sad,” when he’s upset. My husband saw the happier family he was coming home to and asked me to teach him what I’ve learned. He’s no longer afraid of our son’s big emotions and has learned to set limits while still acknowledging Nicky’s feelings.

I think the defining moment of your methods working for us happened on Friday night. I was using my laptop and Nicky wanted to sit in my lap. As usual, he began kicking my laptop. Using what I learned, I caught his foot before he made contact. I told him, “You want to kick my laptop but I’m not going to let you do that. I know it’s upsetting when you want to do something and I won’t let you.”
 
We went through this a couple of times when Nicky retracted his foot. He extended it slowly and then hovered it over my laptop and said, “Airplane.” He waved his foot back and forth without kicking and continued to tell me, “Airplane, airplane.” I smiled and talked to him about his airplane flying over the computer. I could hardly believe how peacefully the situation had resolved. Since then, he has used this tactic for items that he is not allowed to touch, flying his “airplane” hands and feet near, exploring the item without touching it. I could not be more proud of his creative problem solving.

Janet, your writing has done more than changed my life. It’s given me my family back. We’re now enjoying our son instead of counting the hours until bedtime. I know there’s still plenty more work on this journey, but I am excited and full of hope. I will continue forward both with Nicky and his 9 month old brother, a new and true believer in the wisdom of RIE. Thank you, thank you so much.

-Caroline

Discipline and Toddlers:

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/02/what-your-toddler-thinks-of-discipline/

What Your Toddler Thinks Of Discipline

Posted by Janet on Feb 23rd, 2012

I’ve been told that I “understand” toddlers (and nothing could be a greater compliment). This might be because my own emotional development was partially arrested as a toddler for reasons I haven’t yet unraveled, but it’s probably also because after all the time I’ve spent observing toddlers, I’ve begun to identify with them.

Sometimes, for example, when a parent in class asks her toddler not to throw toys, I’ll be unconvinced by her delivery and feel like joining the toddler in throwing more toys. Other times, a child will say he wants to leave the class as soon as he’s arrived. He’ll persist with the issue until his parent says decisively, “I hear you wanting to leave, but we won’t be going until class ends.” I’ll be feeling the toddler’s edginess while the parent is thinking, “Uh, oh, now what?” or is afraid to take a stand.
If toddlers could share their thoughts on discipline, here’s what I think they’d say…

1. Make me your ally.
Don’t think in terms of “getting me to do” something. Don’t trick, bribe, shame or punish me. “You against me” is scary when I desperately need you on my side. So, please tell me politely or show me what you want. And stop me kindly (but definitively) from doing things you don’t want, way before you get mad. Your calm demeanor and the positive options you give me (“I see you’re playing, so would you like to come in to change your diaper now or after you play for 5 more minutes?”), will help me to accept your instructions more gracefully.

2. Don’t be afraid of my reactions to the limits you give me. It’s frightening for me when you are timid or evasive. How can I ever feel secure if the people I desperately need to depend on waver or tiptoe around my feelings? So, please put periods at the end of your sentences. Your directions are more welcome than you’ll ever know. They don’t hurt my fragile spirit. They free me, help me enormously, and are essential to my happiness.

3. Tell me the truth in simple terms, so that I can feel very clear about what you want. I may need several reminders while I’m learning, so please be patient and try to stay even-toned, even if you’ve already told me. (Really, I don’t want to be annoying.)

4. Don’t get upset or angry if you can possibly help it. Those reactions don’t make me feel safe. I need to know that my behavior doesn’t “get” to you, that you can handle my issues with care and confidence. If not you, then who?

5. If I keep repeating the behavior, it’s because it doesn’t feel resolved for me. Either you aren’t being convincing enough, or you’re being too intense and emotional. When you give me “the look”, or there’s anger in your voice when you say “don’t hit!,” it unnerves me and I’m compelled to keep behaving that way until you can give me a calmer response. I need to know that those kinds of behaviors aren’t allowed, but I also need to be assured constantly that they are no big deal at all and can be easily handled by you. You’ll show me this by being patient, calm, consistent and giving me brief, respectful, direct responses so that we can both let go and move on, knowing that our connection is still solid.

6. Consider my point of view and acknowledge it as much as possible…even if it seems ridiculous, wrong or crazy. There are no wrong desires or feelings, just wrong ways of acting on them, right? I need to know that it’s okay to have these feelings and that you’ll understand and keep on loving me. Let me feel.

7. Remember that I don’t want to be in charge, even though the toddler creed is to never admit that. I am convincing. I can make you believe that your simple request to sit down while I eat is pure torture. Don’t mock me or call me out, but don’t believe it. Keep insisting — with love. My strong will is going to make you proud someday. When you give in, I feel less strong, far more wobbly.

8. Give me lots of YES time when I have your full attention and appreciation for all the good stuff I do. We all need balance.

9. Let me be a problem solver. If our wishes are at odds, consider me capable of helping to find a solution, especially as I get older. (This post and video provide a brilliant example: Belief Behind The Behavior: Volcanoes And Cops )

10. Thank you for doing all of these really, really hard things in order to help me be the kind of kid who is enjoyed by his friends, is welcome in their parents’ homes, appreciated by teachers, and is (most of all) one of your favorite people to be with in the whole wide world…forever.

Your toddler would also like you to read:

A Toddler’s Point Of View by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Conflict Resolution by Genevieve Simperingham, Peaceful Parent Institute

No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame

A Toddler’s Need For Boundaries (No Walk In The Park)

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

What to Do When Your Kid Hates School

http://www.education.com/magazine/article/what-to-do-when-your-kid-hates-school/

Mismatch of Teaching and Learning Styles?

By Rebecca VanderMeulen via Education.com

You see your child after school and greet him with your usual question: "How was your day?" He blurts out a dreaded answer: "I hate school!"

Most students dislike school every so often, whether it's because of classmates making fun of them during lunch or a particularly difficult science project, or simply because it's taking away from their playtime. But it's an entirely different matter when a child makes a marked and sudden blanket statement about hating school.

It's possible that the problem will resolve itself on its own in a few days. But you might need to take some extra steps to resolve the underlying issue.

Of course, you can't take your child away from school entirely. But you can figure out what the problem is and find ways to address it.

Common Problems

Experts have observed some common reasons for children to express a hatred of school.

Cynthia Tobias, author of seven books including I Hate School!, says many kids who dislike the classroom aren't being taught in a way that matches how they learn. A lot of children experience school as a place where they are forced to sit in uncomfortable chairs, learn material based on the fact that it's included in standardized tests, and are told what they need to do better instead of what they are good at.

"They don't hate the learning part. They don't hate their teachers," Tobias says. "No kid wants to be told that his brain is broken."

School can be a difficult place for kids who learn by speaking aloud but are constantly told to be quiet in class, or restless children who are forced to sit in desks for much of the day. For these children, the real culprit is a mismatch between how they learn and how their teachers teach.

Heather Wittenberg, a psychologist who specializes in young children, says kindergartners often say they hate school about a month after starting class. "After the first few weeks, the novelty wears off," she explains.

What started out as a fun diversion – a chance to ride the school bus and spend the day with other kids – can begin to feel like drudgery once a kindergartner realizes she has to go to school every day. Until children hit first or second grade, Wittenberg says, they are more suited to the cozy, protective environment of home than the classroom's pressure to succeed academically.

Fortunately, kindergartners who are simply having trouble adjusting to school often settle in by Thanksgiving, she says.

If the problem occurs later in the school year, though, Wittenberg says other forces are probably at work. Perhaps your child is having difficulty learning – some young children aren't yet ready to handle academics. There might also be tension between your child and his teacher or a classmate. "There's something in that classroom that's not right," Wittenberg says.

Or, if your family is going through a big life event like a divorce or bringing home a new baby, your child might be saying she hates school because she feels like she has to be at home.

What to Do

The simplest way to learn why your child doesn't like school is to ask. Pose open-ended questions.

"Ask them, 'What would you do to make it better? What would make you like school?' " Tobias says. The answer will likely point you toward the real problem.

She also suggests observing your child's personality and how he learns. With your help, he can begin to take charge of his own success by finding a way to tackle his homework in a way that matches his learning style.

A child who learns by talking would benefit from having a study buddy who can help him talk through his assignments, Tobias says. A child who learns through movement should be encouraged to wiggle or tap her feet.

Tobias notes that helping your child adapt to his classroom is an important lesson in itself, because he will spend the rest of his life with people who function differently than he does.

In any case, if your child spends more than two or three weeks saying she hates school, set up an appointment with her teacher. Ask for the teacher's observations. Tobias suggests one question to ask: "What can I do?"

Wittenberg says a young child who is having trouble adjusting to the classroom might benefit from an occasional day at home or a switch from a full-day to a half-day kindergarten class – not much of an adjustment if it is made just a few weeks into the year. Or you can make your child feel better with small reminders of home, like a note from you in his lunch box.

Eventually, the clear solution to your child's dislike of school might be to switch her to a new classroom or teacher. But chances are that step won't be necessary. If you and the teacher work together, and if you continue you to communicate with your child throughout the process, school can turn into a place where your child will be happy, and thrive.

Building Self-Confidence in Children via Parenting Skills

Parent Do-Overs: 7 Confidence Building Responses

Posted by janet lansbury on Feb 9th, 2012

 

If parenting were film acting, we’d always be brilliant because we’d have plenty of “takes” to perfect our responses (not to mention make-up, hair styling and ridiculously high salaries). But we are playing a part — the role of a lifetime for a lifetime. Luckily, we perform for an adoring, forgiving audience, and our children will usually accept our less thoughtful, less than stellar performances. In fact, even our bloopers can be blessings, because they teach kids the invaluable lesson that mistakes are okay since even superstars like their parents make them.

Here are a few of my “Take 2” suggestions for handling common infant and toddler situations and some of the reasoning behind them…


1. Crying

Instead of “Don’t cry”, “Shhhh”, “You’re okay”, “Okay, that’s enough now”, “It’s alright, nothing happened”…

Non-judgmentally acknowledge the child’s response and the incident that caused it. “Ouch, that hurt you when you bumped into the wall.” Or “oh, you are very upset that the dog barked.” Or “You are having a hard time relaxing your body. I hear you.” Then allow the child all the time he or she needs to finish crying with your full support.

Encouraging children to express their feelings is the key to fostering emotional health. No matter how unreasonable our child’s reaction seems, he or she needs it to be accepted. Remember, even adults can’t control emotional reactions, but young children are not capable of controlling the manner in which they express them, either. Discouraging the feelings or responding impatiently invalidates the child. When you’re feeling impatient with a tantruming toddler, stay present, relax and imagine all the future therapy bills you’re saving.


2. Minor accidents

Instead of running over to the child and scooping him up in a panic…

Take a moment to observe his response. If he cries, go close to him as calmly as possible, ask if wants you to pick him up, acknowledge what happened (as explained above) and his feelings about it.

When we respond frantically, we startle our child, which can make him fearful or cause him to become upset when he might have quickly recovered and continued playing. Our little ones are very tuned into us and benefit greatly when we can trust their competence. Allowing children to recover autonomously whenever they are able to fosters self-confidence and resiliency, gives them an opportunity to try to understand what happened and learn something from the experience.


3. Praise

Instead of “good job”, “That’s beautiful”, “You are so smart!” or a big round of applause…

You might say, “Thank you for helping me!” “You did it all by yourself!” “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was hard!” “You struggled and struggled, but you didn’t give up.” “You must be proud of yourself.” Add specifics so your child knows you’ve been paying attention (and to aid language development).

These responses encourage children to own their accomplishments, protect intrinsic motivation, and are less likely to train kids to depend on others for validation.

4. Encouragement when a child is struggling

Instead of “you can do it!”

“I hear you getting frustrated, but you’re almost there.” “This is hard work you’re doing!” “I’m here and I won’t let you fall, but it is safer for you to climb down yourself. Try placing one foot on the bar below.”

“You can do it” can be perceived as pressure and make the child think he’s disappointed us if he ends up not being able to do it. Giving a little verbal instruction helps children learn to get down safely after they have climbed onto something. Children usually can do this themselves, but by taking them down, rather than just spotting and providing verbal support, we lead them to believe they can’t.

5. Undesirable behavior

Instead of distracting, coaxing, bribing, shaming, scolding, punishing…

Handle with care, confidence, respect, brevity (save the lectures for another time). Whenever possible, acknowledge the child’s point of view. “You wanted ___.” Give a brief instruction (and an option if possible). “I can’t/won’t let you ___. That’s not safe” (or “It’s not time for that now”, etc.). “But you can ___.” Physically block the behavior if necessary. Acknowledge again. “I know you wanted ___ and I wouldn’t let you. That’s upsetting.”

Infants and toddlers need help managing their immature impulses and understanding our boundaries. They are not bad kids who need to be reprimanded, punished or “taught a lesson”. The most vital lesson they must learn is that their parents are always in their corner (rather than sending them off to one), and that we will calmly, consistently and patiently remind them of the family rules and prevent them from harming us or themselves. When we do this, children learn our expectations and internalize them with amazing proficiency.

6. Sharing

Instead of telling babies and young toddlers they must share or take turns…

Observe closely and calmly reflect (or ‘sportscast’) the situation and allow it to unfold. “Justin, you are holding the ball and Meredith wants it, too. Now Meredith has the ball.” Or, “Meredith are you asking Justin for the ball? Justin seems to be saying he wants to keep it for now. Maybe when he’s done. “

Infants and toddlers commonly socialize by taking and (less often) giving toys. From the child’s perspective it’s as if the toys suddenly come alive and become interesting when another baby is holding them. When we allow children to connect with and learn from each other this way, they may react negatively in the moment, but they are usually quite capable of working it out without our intervention. The big clue to the child’s perspective? After these little play tussles have ended, the desired toy is almost always left behind, no longer of interest to either child.

7. Learning language

Instead of correcting toddlers when they mispronounce words or use them incorrectly (for example, they call green “yellow” or a rabbit “a dog”)…

Don’t. It takes courage to speak words for the first time. Encourage your child to speak by treating him with the same respect you would a foreigner trying out English. If the child mispronounces a word, we can respond in a manner that provides a gentle correction. In other words, when your child points to the rabbit and says “bobby”, you could reply, “I see the rabbit, too!” If the child points to the rabbit and says “dog”, you could say honestly, “Yes, I see! That looks like a dog.”

When children begin using language, they are only able to say a fraction of the words they know. Chances are they know the difference between a rabbit and a dog but just aren’t able to express that yet. Trusting and supporting your child’s process means allowing him to be “right” as much as possible. And don’t forget to enjoy (and log!) your child’s creative use of language while it lasts.

Cut, print, that’s a wrap.

Parenting a Child of Character

How To Raise a Child of Character

By Karen Ruskin, PsyD, LMFT

How many of you think there are many children that struggle with communicating their needs, thoughts and feelings with words and instead are physically impulsive? Whether you have noticed this behavior challenge with your own children, or in your observation of other children, it does exist for many. Bullying is now in the forefront of media coverage, and it seems that too many children are disinterested and have no concern over another child’s feelings.

Some children barely stop for a moment to consider their own feelings or another’s feelings, and how their choices impact others. But, a child that is a) interested in the thoughts of others, b) shows empathy, c) has the skill to express her thoughts with words instead of “acts out” her feelings (e.g., misbehaves), and d) has the ability to negotiate with words, can compromise, and has a positive sense of self, is less likely to make intentionally hurtful choices towards another; she is less likely to be a bully. In essence, a child that exhibits the aforementioned skills is on the road towards being a person of character.

There is a direct connection between a child’s lack of empathy, a lack of taking ownership of his own actions, and a lack of communication skills. Your child’s ability to communicate in a healthy interactive manner that reflects good character should include sharing his feelings in a style that acknowledges the other with whom he dialogues, caring about and being interested in the other person’s thoughts and being interested in trying to understand his own thoughts.
The selfishness of being wrapped up in himself and what he needs emotionally, rather than considering not only what another child needs but also how his own actions affect another’s life experience, can be changed, taught, learned, and improved. It is our job as parents to teach and model those lessons.

Having great character includes caring for and about one’s self and others. This can be a “both/and” experience rather than an “either/or” life philosophy. Parenting absolutely impacts children’s development of character!
Here are four important life skills for your child to develop that will play a significant role in building his character:
1. Show empathy
2. Have the ability to compromise and negotiate
3. Take ownership of one’s own actions
4. Express one’s feelings and wants with words rather than with impulsive behavioral reactions

Empathy

In an effort to help your child develop empathy, teach him that “What the other person does says more about him than it does about you.”

Teach your child this statement about others and help him to understand what it means by offering concrete examples to which he can relate. Then, to make sure he really understands this concept, ask him to share with you an example that proves this statement is true.

For an example, your son tells you that a schoolmate, John (who used to socialize a lot with your son), now excludes him whenever his is playing with his other friend, Mark, and John is more aggressive in school lately. In addition, your son has noticed that Mark’s mother often drives John home.

Help your son examine the different reasons why John may be excluding him and being aggressive. Perhaps John’s mom cannot pick him up from school because she has to work more hours and Mark’s mom is doing John’s mom a favor. Perhaps John is angry and hurt that his mother is not as available or attentive as she used to be and he therefore is attaching himself more onto Mark since he feels like that is who is helping him through this painful time right now. Perhaps John is struggling sharing Mark and being inclusive because he feels the stability in his life is threatened and does not know how to communicate this feeling of instability with words; instead he acts out his feelings of instability and insecurity. Or, perhaps John’s aggressive behavior is also a result of his hurt feelings. Explore with your son what feelings he may have about John and whether his reaction to John’s behavior may be different based on this new perspective.

Compromise and Negotiation

In an effort to help your child develop the ability to compromise and negotiate, provide her with the “proud technique.” Communicate the following types of statements: “I’m so proud of you when you ______. Are you proud of yourself?” and “When you _______ it must make you not feel so good about your choices. Next time what are other options so you can feel great about your choices and who you are? What can you say to your friend? That is a great plan, I will be so proud of you when you _________ and I see you’ll be proud of yourself when you __________.”

Sharing that you are proud of your daughter helps develop her sense of self-worth. Also, exploring your child’s options with her of what she can do when she is not being her best is respectful. By sharing with her that both you and she will be proud when she implements positive behaviors relays that you believe she will.

Use examples that are in sync and fit with your child’s life that include themes such as negotiation with other children, compromise, and taking turns as it applies to the proud technique. If you teach your child how to handle these social interactions by offering healthy options, then she will have a toolbox to use when situations arise that include challenging negotiations. This instills the skills to negotiate and compromise rather than express her wants through controlling and disrespectful methods that can lead to bullying.

Ownership

It is important to teach your child to take ownership of his behavior, as his skill impacts his choices and thoughts about himself and others. When he takes ownership of his actions and words, he can choose to grow, enhance, improve, and not blame others for what he needs to improve upon.

The following statement to share with your child is a “self-talk technique” he can use when he feels frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, or any other emotion with regards to someone else’s actions and/or any event that causes emotional distress, “I cannot control another’s behavior or words. What I can do is control my reaction to another and my own choices and actions.”

In an effort to feel in control of one’s self, which is an important part of character development, teach your child to use the “self-talk technique” in times when he should remind himself not to react impulsively or behaviorally, and rather to think first before he reacts, thereby being in control of his actions.

Words

Teach your child to use her words to share her feelings and opinions instead of “acting out” her feelings with her negative behavior.

Teach your child the following communication script to use when she interacts with you and with her peers. “When you ______, it makes me feel _____. When I feel _____, it makes me want to ________. Instead, I will _________, and hope _________.” (For example, “When you whisper to Mary and laugh, it makes me feel embarrassed. When I feel embarrassed, it makes me want to push you. Instead, I will go have fun with Laura, and hope that we can work it out and be friends.”)

Remember, on your parenting journey what you say and do matter immensely, and you play a significant role in your child’s character development.


APA ReferenceKaren Ruskin, PsyD, LMFT. (2012). How To Raise a Child of Character. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 7, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/how-to-raise-a-child-of-character/