Three Huge Mistakes We Make Leading Kids

...and How to Correct Them

February 15, 2013

                        by  Tim Elmore  





Recently, I read about a father, Paul Wallich, who built a camera-mounted drone helicopter to follow his grade-school-aged son to the bus stop. He wants to make sure his son arrives at the bus stop safe and sound. There’s no doubt the gizmo provides an awesome show-and-tell contribution. In my mind, Paul Wallich gives new meaning to the term “helicopter parent.”

While I applaud the engagement of this generation of parents and teachers, it’s important to recognize the unintended consequences of our engagement. We want the best for our students, but research now shows that our “over-protection, over-connection” style has damaged them. Let me suggest three huge mistakes we’ve made leading this generation of kids and how we must correct them.

 

1. We Risk Too Little

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. Toxic. High voltage. Flammable. Slippery when wet. Steep curve ahead. Don’t walk. Hazard. This “safety first” preoccupation emerged over thirty years ago with the Tylenol scare and with children’s faces appearing on milk cartons. We became fearful of losing our kids. So we put knee-pads, safety belts and helmets on them…at the dinner table. (Actually I’m just kidding on that one). But, it’s true. We’ve insulated our kids from risk.

Author Gever Tulley suggests, “If you’re over 30, you probably walked to school, played on the monkey bars, and learned to high-dive at the public pool. If you’re younger, it’s unlikely you did any of these things. Yet, has the world become that much more dangerous? Statistically, no. But our society has created pervasive fears about letting kids be independent—and the consequences for our kids are serious.”

Unfortunately, over-protecting our young people has had an adverse effect on them.

“Children of risk-averse parents have lower test scores and are slightly less likely to attend college than offspring of parents with more tolerant attitudes toward risk,” says a team led by Sarah Brown of the University of Sheffield in the UK. Aversion to risk may prevent parents from making inherently uncertain investments in their children’s human capital; it’s also possible that risk attitudes reflect cognitive ability, researchers say.” Sadly, this Scottish Journal of Political Economy report won’t help us unless we do something about it. Adults continue to vote to remove playground equipment from parks so kids won’t have accidents; to request teachers stop using red ink as they grade papers and even cease from using the word “no” in class. It’s all too negative. I’m sorry—but while I understand the intent to protect students, we are failing miserably at preparing them for a world that will not be risk-free.

Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee or a broken bone, they frequently have phobias as adults. Interviews with young adults who never played on jungle gyms reveal they’re fearful of normal risks and commitment. The truth is, kids need to fall a few times to learn it is normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. Pain is actually a necessary teacher. Consider your body for a moment. If you didn’t feel pain, you could burn yourself or step on a nail and never do something about the damage and infection until it was too late. Pain is a part of health and maturity.

Similarly, taking calculated risks is all a part of growing up. In fact, it plays a huge role. Childhood may be about safety and self-esteem, but as a student matures, risk and achievement are necessities in forming their identity and confidence. Because parents have removed “risk” from children’s lives, psychologists are discovering a syndrome as they counsel teens: High Arrogance, Low Self-Esteem. They’re cocky, but deep down their confidence is hollow, because it’s built off of watching YouTube videos, and perhaps not achieving something meaningful.

According to a study by University College London, risk-taking behavior peeks during adolescence. Teens are apt to take more risks than any other age group. Their brain programs them to do so. It’s part of growing up. They must test boundaries, values and find their identity during these years. This is when they must learn, via experience, the consequences of certain behaviors. Our failure to let them risk may explain why so many young adults, between the ages of 22 and 35 still live at home or haven’t started their careers, or had a serious relationship. Normal risk taking at fourteen or fifteen would have prepared them for such decisions and the risks of moving away from home, launching a career or getting married.

2. We Rescue Too Quickly

This generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did thirty years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. We remove the need for them to navigate hardships. May I illustrate?

Staff from four universities recently told me they encountered students who had never filled out a form or an application in their life. Desiring to care for their kids, and not disadvantage them, parents or teachers had always done it for them.

One freshman received a C- on her project and immediately called her mother, right in the middle of her class. After interrupting the class discussion with her complaint about her poor grade, she handed the cell phone to her professor and said, “She wants to talk to you.” Evidently, mom wanted to negotiate the grade.

A Harvard Admissions Counselor reported a prospective student looked him in the eye and answered every question he was asked. The counselor felt the boy’s mother must have coached him on eye-contact because he tended to look down after each response. Later, the counselor learned the boy’s mom was texting him the answers every time a question came in.

A college president said a mother of one of his students called him, saying she’d seen that the weather would be cold that day and wondered if he would make sure her son was wearing his sweater as he went to class. She wasn’t joking.

This may sound harsh, but rescuing and over-indulging our children is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. It’s “parenting for the short-term” and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Just like muscles atrophy inside of a cast due to disuse, their social, emotional, spiritual and intellectual muscles can shrink because they’re not exercised. For example, I remember when and where I learned the art of conflict resolution. I was eleven years old, and everyday about fifteen boys would gather after school to play baseball. We would choose sides and umpire our games. Through that consistent exercise, I learned to resolve conflict. I had to. Today, if the kids are outside at all, there are likely four mothers present doing the conflict resolution for them.

The fact is, as students experience adults doing so much for them, they like it at first. Who wouldn’t? They learn to play parents against each other, they learn to negotiate with faculty for more time, lenient rules, extra credit and easier grades. This actually confirms that these kids are not stupid. They learn to play the game. Sooner or later, they know “someone will rescue me.” If I fail or “act out,” an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct. Once again, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works. It actually disables our kids.

3. We Rave Too Easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. We determined every kid would feel special, regardless of what they did, which meant they began hearing remarks like:

• “You’re awesome!”
• “You’re smart.”
• “You’re gifted.”
• “You’re super!”

Attend a little league awards ceremony and you soon learn: everyone’s a winner. Everyone gets a trophy. They all get ribbons. We meant well—but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Dr. Carol Dweck wrote a landmark book called, Mindset. In it she reports findings about the adverse affects of praise. She tells of two groups of fifth grade students who took a test. Afterward, one group was told, “You must be smart.” The other group was told, “You must have worked hard.” When a second test was offered to the students, they were told that it would be harder and that they didn’t have to take it. Ninety percent of the kids who heard “you must be smart” opted not to take it. Why? They feared proving that the affirmation may be false. Of the second group, most of the kids chose to take the test, and while they didn’t do well, Dweck’s researchers heard them whispering under their breath, “This is my favorite test.” They loved the challenge. Finally, a third test was given, equally as hard as the first one. The result? The first group of students who were told they were smart, did worse. The second group did 30% better. Dweck concludes that our affirmation of kids must target factors in their control. When we say “you must have worked hard,” we are praising effort, which they have full control over. It tends to elicit more effort. When we praise smarts, it may provide a little confidence at first but ultimately causes a child to work less. They say to themselves, “If it doesn’t come easy, I don’t want to do it.”


What’s more, kids eventually observe that “mom” is the only one who thinks they’re “awesome.” No one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their own mother; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality.


Further, Dr. Robert Cloninger, at Washington University in St. Louis has done brain research on the prefrontal cortex, which monitors the reward center of the brain. He says the brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through. The reward center of our brains learns to say: Don’t give up. Don’t stop trying. “A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards,” Cloninger says, “will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear.”

When we rave too easily, kids eventually learn to cheat, to exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it. A helpful metaphor when considering this challenge is: inoculation. When you get inoculated, a nurse injects a vaccine, which actually exposes you to a dose of the very disease your body must learn to overcome. It’s a good thing. Only then do we develop an immunity to it. Similarly, our kids must be inoculated with doses of hardship, delay, challenges and inconvenience to build the strength to stand in them.

 

Eight Steps Toward Healthy Leadership

 

Obviously, negative risk taking should be discouraged, such as smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc. In addition, there will be times our young people do need our help, or affirmation. But—healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings. They’ll need to try things on their own. And we, the adults, must let them. Here are some simple ideas you can employ as you navigate these waters:

1. Help them take calculated risks. Talk it over with them, but let them do it. Your primary job is to prepare your child for how the world really works.
2. Discuss how they must learn to make choices. They must prepare to both win and lose, not get all they want and to face the consequences of their decisions.
3. Share your own “risky” experiences from your teen years. Interpret them. Because we’re not the only influence on these kids, we must be the best influence.
4. Instead of tangible rewards, how about spending some time together? Be careful you aren’t teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.
5. Choose a positive risk taking option and launch kids into it (i.e. sports, jobs, etc). It may take a push but get them used to trying out new opportunities.
6. Don’t let your guilt get in the way of leading well. Your job is not to make yourself feel good by giving kids what makes them or you feel better when you give it.
7. Don’t reward basics that life requires. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.
8. Affirm smart risk-taking and hard work wisely. Help them see the advantage of both of these, and that stepping out a comfort zone usually pays off.

Bottom line? Your child does not have to love you every minute. He’ll get over the disappointment of failure but he won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So let them fail, let them fall, and let them fight for what they really value. If we treat our kids as fragile, they will surely grow up to be fragile adults. We must prepare them for the world that awaits them. Our world needs resilient adults not fragile ones.
 

Modern Parenting May Hinder Brain Development

Jan. 7, 2013 —

 Social practices and cultural beliefs of modern life are preventing healthy brain and emotional development in children, according to an interdisciplinary body of research presented recently at a symposium at the University of Notre Dame.

 
 Mother breastfeeding her baby. (Credit: © oksun70 / Fotolia)

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development.

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it," Narvaez says.

This new research links certain early, nurturing parenting practices -- the kind common in foraging hunter-gatherer societies -- to specific, healthy emotional outcomes in adulthood, and has many experts rethinking some of our modern, cultural child-rearing "norms."

"Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez.

Studies show that responding to a baby's needs (not letting a baby "cry it out") has been shown to influence the development of conscience; positive touch affects stress reactivity, impulse control and empathy; free play in nature influences social capacities and aggression; and a set of supportive caregivers (beyond the mother alone) predicts IQ and ego resilience as well as empathy.

The United States has been on a downward trajectory on all of these care characteristics, according to Narvaez. Instead of being held, infants spend much more time in carriers, car seats and strollers than they did in the past. Only about 15 percent of mothers are breast-feeding at all by 12 months, extended families are broken up and free play allowed by parents has decreased dramatically since 1970.

Whether the corollary to these modern practices or the result of other forces, an epidemic of anxiety and depression among all age groups, including young children; rising rates of aggressive behavior and delinquency in young children; and decreasing empathy, the backbone of compassionate, moral behavior, among college students, are shown in research.

According to Narvaez, however, other relatives and teachers also can have a beneficial impact when a child feels safe in their presence. Also, early deficits can be made up later, she says.

"The right brain, which governs much of our self-regulation, creativity and empathy, can grow throughout life. The right brain grows though full-body experience like rough-and-tumble play, dancing or freelance artistic creation. So at any point, a parent can take up a creative activity with a child and they can grow together."

Further information: http://ccf.nd.edu/symposium/2012-symposium-presentations/

25 Ways to Stay a Calm Parent

http://awesomelyawake.com/how-to-be-a-calm-parent/

AWESOMELY AWAKE

 

* Inspiring families to find their happy place *

How to be a calm parent

September 12, 2012 By Shawn 59 Comments

 

 

 

 



I’ve always been a dreamer. Oh yes .. I was going to change the world. I was going to raise the best children ever to walk the earth. I was never going to make the same mistakes OTHER parents made. No way.

Then I had children.

My first lesson in patience happened immediately while sitting alone with two crying infants for months at a time. I often felt pretty helpless. I mean, you can’t just leave two crying infants and go for a run.

People always ask me how I managed twin infants and I always respond the same way … “With a lot of tears.”

Staying calm as a parent may come easier for some more than others. It hasn’t always been easy for me.

Yeah, where’s the handbook?

I call it Parenting from the Heart.

I’ve learned so many lessons on this topic in the last six years. I hope to pass a few on to other parents who might be struggling with keeping their cool.

In fact, it is my great wish that parents would read this blog and change the way they are parenting so that they, too, can be the change they wish to see in the world.

Original Photo by Tanya_Little via Flickr

 

 

 



This week, I asked on my Facebook page how you stay calm as a parent and boy did you deliver! Read all of the responses on Facebook. And, please add your own ideas to the comments below as well. Here are just 25 Ways to Stay Calm as a Parent — some are mine, some are yours!

1. Own your Nos. There are times when I say no without even thinking and then one no leads to another no and soon we’re in a vicious cycle. I’ve learned that by really thinking before I respond I feel authentic power when I do say no — or yes. Try hard to not rush to saying no to your child just because of inconvenience.
2. Be open to Yes. There’s a ton of power in the word YES. Y-E-S. Conscious Yeses are beautiful. Conscious Yeses transform families. Conscious Yeses are cause for celebration.
3. Read. Read everything you can that makes you feel good and that reminds you to remain calm. For me, it started with Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller but it’s hardly ended there. I have a whole nightstand filled with books that I pull out when I need a pick-me-up or as a reminder to remain calm and relaxed as a parent. Some are parenting books. Some are inspirational books. Others are just beautiful and get me thinking creatively, which is the best way to parent, in my experience.
4. Solitude. I suspect that many of us who struggle with staying calm in the chaos also struggle with noise. Some people — extroverts — are happy with a ton of noise. I am not. Silence is often the medicine we need to replenish and rejuvenate ourselves and yet it may be the hardest to make happen. There are many other ways to stay at peace.
5. Take a deep breath. Never ever punish when angry. Just don’t. Heed this advice and you’ll always be a calm parent. Separate the kids and then walk away. Step outside. Or, go to your room and close the door and lay on your bed until you are calm. Run down to the basement. Put on some music in your ear buds. Something. Anything. Just breathe and calm down before you even attempt to react.
6. Get up early. Having time to yourself is absolutely essential. Period.
7. Go to bed early. Being fully rested is key. You can’t be a good parent if you are too tired to think, too tired to come up with creative responses and solutions or too tired to ignore the small things.
8. Get a hobby. I write therefore I am. For others, it’s cooking or sewing or quilting or crocheting. Even more are finding a love in photography, baking, blogging, or gardening. We all have that one thing that just fills us up, that gives us a different purpose in life. Devote yourself to yours.
9. Energize yourself. This is my all-time favorite thing to do in my day. Choose the things that you love and that make you happy and do them every day. In my e-course, I’ll share my own list.
10. Ignore the small stuff. What’s that book say, it’s all small stuff? I don’t know about that. But I do know that some parents — myself included — can get wrapped up in micromanaging their children and their every move. Delegate some of that worry and stress to the Universe. this includes NOT arguing back with a child.
11. Think of the Big Picture. A few mentioned this on the Facebook page as important and I agree. Will this tiny infraction of behavior like drinking the bathtub water and spitting it out matter in the long run? No. Will it delay bedtime, yes. So what. Move on. Nothing to see here.
12. Clean. When your children are frustrating the bejeezus out of you, clean. Do those things that you need to do and work off the frustrations by cleaning. This is the only time that I stress the importance of cleaning. It gives you something productive to do instead of micromanaging the children. While your at it, think of the chores they will have to do as a result of their bad behavior. Some call it an uh-oh chore. I just call it a chore to help fill my bucket back up.
13. Speak your mantra. Each of us has phrases that give us comfort, sayings that we can say over and over again in our heads until the difficult moment passes. Some of you suggested mantras like “I am the adult” or “Mommy is the greatest!” I have a whole list of mantras that I use.
14. Exercise. Walk. Do yoga. Run. Whatever you can do to feel good on the inside will make parenting from the heart a lot better.
15. Slow down. Don’t plan a ton of things because the minute you want to get a long list of things done is the very minute that you will find things blow up. Stress is what causes us to lose our cool so the less we have to stress about, the less crazy we’ll become.
16. Get silly. I’ve said this before but doing something entirely out of the ordinary is a great way to turn things around quickly. Tell jokes. Just act nutty. You’ll laugh. SING. DANCE. Laugh. Deal with the consequences later, when everyone’s thinking more clearly.
17. Talk it out. Establish a talk-it-out rule. In this house, we talk out our problems with soft words, not our hands and not by yelling. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
18. Role model. If you want your children to grow up calm, cool and collected than keep that in your head at all times. What you say to your children becomes what they hear in their heads. That’s powerful stuff to consider.
19. Eat. There have been many times when I’ve been starving and not taking care of myself. Stop and make sure you’re not feeling the result of low blood sugar.
20. Set your rules. This is a really big deal and something I didn’t really do early on. The sooner your establish your household rules the better off you will be as a parent. Our rules are on our refrigerator so that when a rule is broken we can immediately point to it and say look here, you’ve broken Rule No. 2, keep your hands and feet to yourself. When you are confident about the rules in your house, you are confident in enforcing those rules.
21. Don’t set too many rules. Seriously. Children are still learning and experimenting. We can’t expect them to never make mistakes. To stay calm, stick to no more than five rules at a time and make those the important ones. Let little infractions go by with teachable moments rather than discipline.
22. Change your routine. If you find yourself in a stressed out rut, perhaps it’s time to change things around and do something exciting and different. A change in fresh air or environment is enough to keep me feeling calm and peaceful a lot longer than going through the motions of the same-old, same-old.
23. Be Grateful. Many of you mentioned that reminding yourself of how special it is to have a child is the best way to calm yourself down. Savoring the little moments. Being grateful for the time we have with our children. These are all big, heart-filled reminders of what it really means to be a parent, even when times are challenging.
24. Replenish your spirit. For some this means prayer or meditation. For others it might be sinking into a hot bath at night. Taking care of your spirit is as important as taking care of your body. Whatever you use to de-stress and center yourself, do it often.
25. When all else fails, hug it out. I love this one that came up on the Facebook page. Too often what our children need — and what we need in return — is that close connection and touch of the ones we love. My very spirited daughter responds positively to touch and so we snuggle often. So, instead of yelling or hurting, hug it out. If only we could pass this tip along to the rest of the world, right?

There are certainly many other ways to stay calm, cool and collected as a parent and I expect anyone who reads this post to add their own positive ideas that are meant to help inspire parents. These are ideas I wish I had on that second and third month home with twin infants, and again when those infants moved into their terrible twos. But, no matter where you are on your parenting journey, I suspect this list will at least be worth keeping, for one of those days. You can now download and print this list for yourself to keep close at hand.

• If you like this post, please be sure to sign up for my weekly newsletter Wake Up, which sends a new and unique intention every Monday to your inbox. Emails are promised to be short but inspiring for you to keep living a mindful, relaxed family life.

• Family life is the ultimate to the Awesomely Awake community. If you need new ideas to do as a family, get your copy of my book The Playful Family, which encourages families to connect and engage through play.

• Finally, I’m teaching my first e-course this October for families. The course is a creative writing course that encourages creative freedom and expression. You will walk away from the class more fearless than ever all while enjoying time as a family — or for just yourself! And, this course is PAY WHAT YOU WANT. Sign up now.

written by: Shawn Ledington Fink.

 Shawn is the author of The Playful Family

You can reach Shawn anytime by e-mail at theshawnfink at gmail dot com.

 

Shawn is also on Twitter | Pinterest | Facebook |Instagram





38 Parenting Practices That Build Moral Intelligence

http://www.micheleborba.com/blog/2011/08/28/38-parenting-practices-that-build-moral-intelligence/

Posted: August 28th, 2011 by Michele Borba

Because the family is the first school of virtue. Make sure you’re schooling your child in the lessons of character

Even in our increasingly toxic culture, parents can still have the inside track in their children’s development because parents are their children’s first and most important moral teachers. That premise only applies though if parents choose to use their moral influence.

Remember, children do not acquire strong character in one-time lectures, but in daily teachable moments. So take advantage of everyday moments to stretch your child’s character and there are dozens! For instance:

“You have a new friend in your classroom. How do you think he feels not knowing anyone? What could you do to help him feel less lonely?”

“Listen to the lyrics on that CD. Do you want others to think girls should be talked about and treated that way?”

“Was that helpful or hurtful? In our home we only things that will build people up – not tear them down. What will you do to make amends to your friend?”

Here are a few practices from my book, Building Moral Intelligence, that make a difference in raising moral kids. Find ways to use these simple moral-building principles in everyday moments with your children.

38 Parenting Practices That Nurture Moral Intelligence

• To teach kids empathy, you must show kids empathy.

• Show the impact empathy has on others so your child understands it’s important.

• If you want your child to feel for others demand your child to feel for others.

• Provide opportunities for your child to experience different perspectives and views.

• Experiencing different perspectives help children able to empathize with others whose needs and views.

• Be sure your behaviors your kids watch are ones that you want them to copy.

• If you want your child to act morally, then expect moral behaviors from her.

• Talk about moral issues as they come up; so your child can hear your moral beliefs.

• Plainly explain your concerns to your child, set standards, and then stick to them.

• Catch your child acting morally by describing what she did right and why you appreciate it.

• To teach kids self-control, you must show kids self-control, so be a living example of self-control.

• Refrain from always giving tangible rewards for your child’s efforts so she develops her own internal reward system.

• Your home is the best place for your child to learn how deal with stressful situations. Don’t rob him of the opportunity to learn how.

• Gradually stretch your child’s ability to control his impulses and learn to wait.

• Treat children respectfully so that they feel respected and are therefore more likely to treat others respectfully.

• Tune up your child’s social graces and make courtesy a priority in your home.

• Do not tolerate any form of back talk or rudeness. Stop it before it spreads.

• Supervise your child’s media consumption closely. Set clear family standards, and then stick to them!

• Explain your moral standards to the other adults in your child’s life so you can work together.

• Make sure you are positive, affirming role model and surround your child with people of high character.

• Take an active stand against cruelty and just plain do not allow it.

• Take time to tell and show kids how to be kind-never assume they have that knowledge.

• Kids don’t learn how to be kind from a textbook but from doing kind deeds.

• Encourage your child to lend a hand so he or she will understand the power of “doing good.”

• The best way to teach kids any virtue is not through our lectures but through our example.

• Become the living textbook of morality that you want your child to copy.

• Teach your child from the time he is very young that no one is better than any other person.

• Refuse to allow discriminatory remarks of any kind in your presence.

• Get in touch with your own prejudices and be willing to change them so your child won’t learn them from you.

• Nurture in your child a sense of pride in her culture, heritage, and identity.

• Expose your child early to games, literature, and toys that represent a wide range of multicultural groups to boost her or his appreciation and acceptance for differences.

• Encourage your child to participate in activities, which promote diversity and nurture tolerance.

• If you want your child to be fair, expect your child to be fair.

• The easiest way to increase fairness is by reinforcing fair behaviors.

• Encourage your child when he encounters unfair treatment to stand up for himself and the rights of others.

• Look for opportunities in your neighborhood or community and get involved together in making the world a better place.

• Emphasize acting fairly and good sportsmanship both on and off the field.

• There is no more powerful way to boost kids’ moral intelligence than to get them personally involved in an issue of injustice and then encourage them to take a stand; they will learn that they can make a difference in the world.

There is no rewind button on parenting, so be intentional when it comes to building your child’s character. Parents who raise good kids don’t do so by accident!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

Tips from this blog were adapted from my book, Building Moral Intelligence. You can find more character building tips in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news and research about child development.

A Letter From Parents of Special Needs Children

Dear School Personnel, Community Members, Teachers, Parents and Neighbors

Posted by Marianne, Life Unexpected: Raising a Special Needs Child BLOG

To Whom it May Concern,

I am the parent of a special needs child. I was overwhelmed, confused, heart broken and struggling to unravel the complexities before me.

Please do not pass judgement of me without knowing why I did not attend the school PTA breakfasts or community picnics. Please take a few minutes to understand why I did not take you up on your offer to have lunch or grab a cup of coffee. Although we see each other in the supermarket or at school functions, I don’t think you really ever knew me, actually, I can guarantee that you did not know me because just as my child was different, so was I.

I was in survival mode to keep my family in tact and to give my child the best quality of life possible.
I was presented with parental decisions that have torn me apart and kept me up more nights than I can possibly remember.

I had spent most days of the week at therapy and doctors appointments and most nights up researching treatments and medication options.

I was forced into isolation at times due to the stigma and misconceptions that are epidemic in our society.

I became proficient at prioritizing my life and learning to let the little things go, to look at others with compassion instead of tabloid material and to turn a blind eye to the stares or ignorant comments.

I did the best I could.

I survived.

I am one of the lucky ones, my child has blossomed and has exceeded all our expectations.

I have now become strong, I have become confident and I have become a fierce advocate for parents of special needs children. The growth did not come without much pain and many tears but it came.

So I ask you, please




The next time you see a parent struggling with a raging child, a child terrified to go into school, a child making odd movements or sounds, a child that seems to be in a world of their own…

.Be kind. Give a smile of recognition for what that parent is going through. Ask if there is anything you can do to help, give them a pat on the hand or offer for them to go ahead of you on line.

The next time you have a birthday party for your child remember that their child has a hard time with a lot of sensory issues and social situations. Please send their child that invitation and know that more times than not they will not be able to attend but appreciate being included. Understand that in order for their child to go to the party they may need to stay for a little while and please make them feel welcome. When they let you know that their child cannot make the party consider inviting that child for a one on one playdate or an outing at the park.

The next time you are grading homework papers please understand that their child struggles, some with learning disabilities others with the exhaustion of their disorders or the obsession with perfectionism. The Perfectionism is not necessarily to have the answers right but to have it “feel” right for them. They have spent hours doing what most can do in ten minutes. A paper returned with red circles and comments only hurts a child’s self esteem and causes school anxiety. Please understand that when they see the school come up on their caller ID their hearts sink, remember to tell them about all the gains their children are making as well as their deficits. Take a minute before that call and know that they appreciate all you do and want a collaborative relationship in their child’s education.
The next time you are in the teachers lounge, please do not discuss their child. Please do not make negative comments about their parenting or their child’s behavior, it gets back to them and it gets back to other parents in their community.

The next time you pass the cafeteria and see their child sitting alone please consider inviting that child to eat lunch in your classroom and be your helper that period. Consider working with a guidance counselor to set up a lunch buddy group in a different area.

The next time they are at the CSE meeting planning their chid’s IEP know that they are educated, informed and confident knowing special education law. Know that they have found the courage to stand up to conformity and will explore every option to give their child the differentiated educated that will show their gifts and not just their disabilities. Understand that educating a child with special needs is one of the most difficult tasks a parent can face, know that the last thing they want is an adversarial relationship. Please show them the same respect they show you.

The next time you are creating an educational plan please take into consideration that their child may have specific interests or obsessions. Foster those interests, instead of taking away that art class for a resource class consider adding an art class instead. Think outside the box, these parents do.

The next time you see that child in a wheelchair unable to speak or control their movements, don’t stare, don’t look away, say hello. Do not assume that because this child is nonverbal that they are not intelligent or do not understand the awkwardness that you feel. Take a moment out of your day to show kindness, support a parent enduring incredible pain and just give them a smile.

The next time your child comes home telling you how Johnny or Susie is so weird, take the time to teach about differences. Take the time to talk about compassion, acceptance and special needs. Please remember that your child learns from you. Be a role model, mirror respect and discourage gossip.
The next time you hear a comment about how out of style these kids are, educate about tactile sensitivities and the fact that these kids cannot tolerate many textures and fits. Imagine what it would feel like to have sandpaper in your stilettos or tight elastic holding on your tie.

The next time you see an out of control child do not assume it is bad parenting. Understand that many of these disorders have an organic basis, are biological and are real illnesses. When you hear the words mental illness, take out the “mental” and remember ”illness”.

Know that it is this generation that can stomp the stigma and create a world of acceptance.
The next time other parents are talking about “Those Kids” be our heroes, stand up for us.
The next time you see a special needs child know they are not just special in their needs but in their brilliance as well.

Take the time to meet our children. Take the time to know us.

AFTER POST: Thank you for the tremendous response to this writing and requests to post or share on your blogs, websites or educator sites. Feel free to copy in its exact form and use author credits to comply with copyright.